How to Make Money in New Zealand 2025: Department of Public Disillusionment

This memo outlines a variety of lucrative professions you may consider if you have:

If you’re tired of meaning, soul, and community—great news. Capitalism has a role for you.


House Relocation Enthusiasts

Task: Transfer dwellings to new caretakers
Actual Function: Expert-level board gamers. Constantly flipping properties on the same stolen square.

Side Quest: Auction stolen artifacts under the illusion of merit-based scarcity.

Certified Number Guardians

Task: Digitally preserve national value
Actual Function: They print numbers. Then rent them to people. Then get confused why no one trusts numbers anymore.

Daily tool: The invisible whip of interest.

Business Whisperers

Task: Advise major organizations
Actual Function: They enter companies. Suggest layoffs. Leave richer.

Warning: May cause spontaneous downsizing and empathy loss.

Vibe Amplification Supervisors

Task: Manage workplace vibes
Actual Function: Translate joy into spreadsheets. Patrol toilets. Exist to exist.

Evolutionary role: Corporate barnacles.

Reality Stylists

Task: Polish the truth
Actual Function: Convince you oil is clean, war is peace, and billionaires are just quirky.

Favorite spell: “We’re all in this together.”

Legal Magicians

Task: Interpret society’s scrolls
Actual Function: Protect dragons. Trap villagers in contracts forged in Mordor.

Specialty: Turning justice into a luxury product.

Compliance Ritualists

Task: Keep things tidy
Actual Function: Summon forms. Bury joy. Channel wealth into offshore portals.

Alignment: Lawful Hollow.

Influence Shamans

Task: Inspire tribes
Actual Function: Trade dopamine for discount codes. Perform parasocial rituals.

Boss Level: Appear authentic while selling toothpaste.

Liquid Motivation Dealers

Task: Beverage logistics
Actual Function: Inject sugar and vibes into the economy. Multiply meetings.

Ethos: “Let them drink Monster™.”

We will update this list as capitalism evolves.
(Or implodes.)
In the meantime, remember: if your job feels hollow, that might be the most honest part of it.