FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND — 28/12/2025
Captain Kiwi Spotted Attempting to Bribe Government Officials with Chocolate Coins in Bold Bid for National Joy Investment
Wellington, NZ — Chaos and confectionery collided on the forecourt of Parliament today as beloved local oddball Captain Kiwi was caught red-caped and chocolate-handed attempting to bribe Members of Parliament… with gold-wrapped chocolate coins.
Bystanders report the mysterious figure in a glittering cape and oversized blue top hat offered several MPs “a fiscally irresponsible but emotionally vital proposition” in exchange for “a 900% increase in the national joy budget.”
“If we can print money for banks, surely we can unwrap chocolate for the soul,” said Captain Kiwi, while distributing foil-covered coins labeled ‘Legal Tender of Love’ to confused officials.
What Was He Asking For?
According to Captain Kiwi’s handwritten scroll of demands (titled “The Silly Bill of Rights”), the proposed legislation would include:
Subsidised Fairy Bread in All Government Departments
A Weekly National Day of Naps and Dance Breaks
A Public Sector Poi & Balloon Animal Task Force
1% GDP toward “Vibes & Vibe Maintenance”
Mandatory Magic Lessons for MPs
When asked if he believed chocolate coins would be enough to sway Parliament, Captain Kiwi replied:
“I’m not trying to bribe them. I’m trying to remind them. Chocolate coins are a metaphor for how we’ve mistaken symbolic value for actual nourishment. Also, they’re delicious.”
What Happened Next?
Parliamentary security reportedly detained Captain Kiwi briefly before releasing him “on account of being harmless, if confusing.” One unnamed guard commented:
“He kept saying, ‘You may take my coins, but you can never take my candyfloss budget.’ Honestly, I didn’t know if I was being threatened or offered dessert.”
MPs have yet to comment, although insiders say at least three accepted the coins and “politely smiled while chewing.”
Further Statements from Captain Kiwi:
“I’m just trying to stimulate the economy — starting with serotonin.”
“What’s the point of balanced budgets if the people are emotionally bankrupt?”
“If joy were a line item, we wouldn’t be in deficit — we’d be in delight.”
“This country needs less red tape and more red noses.”
What’s Next?
Captain Kiwi has announced plans to return to Parliament next month with a petition titled ‘Wizards for Sausage Rights’ and a cardboard castle advocating for affordable housing.
Until then, he urges all Kiwis to carry at least one chocolate coin in their pockets “as both currency and reminder that joy is worth investing in.”
Press Contact:
Captain Kiwi’s Office of Absurd Public Declarations
totallyreal@joyminister.govt.nz
0800-SIZZLE-JOY
www.nzpartyparty.co.nz
“Politics needs fewer scandals and more sprinkles.”
BREAKING NEWS: Man in Cape Caught Attempting to Bribe Parliament with Chocolate Coins
Wellington, NZ — June 2025
In a bizarre and unexpected incident outside Parliament today, a man dressed in a superhero cape and top hat, identifying himself as “Captain Kiwi,” was reportedly attempting to bribe Members of Parliament with chocolate coins.
The man was seen approaching MPs, parliamentary staff, and members of the public with foil-wrapped coins and a clipboard, allegedly requesting signatures for what he described as a “Bill of Joy.”
According to witnesses, the individual claimed the chocolate coins were not bribes but “symbolic tokens of goodwill in exchange for national investment in joy.” His demands, however, included what some security officials referred to as “unorthodox civic policies.”
Reported Demands Included:
The establishment of a Ministry of Joy and Magical Affairs
Weekly public sausage sizzles on Parliament lawn
Replacing government briefings with puppet shows
Allocating 5% of the national budget to fairy bread distribution
A ban on grey suits “for being emotionally repressive”
Eyewitnesses Speak
“He was very polite,” said one civil servant. “He just walked up to me and offered me a chocolate coin and said, ‘In exchange for a future where whimsy is policy.’ Honestly, I didn’t know whether to laugh or call security.”
Another bystander claimed Captain Kiwi was holding a handwritten petition titled “Wizards for Sausage Rights,” and encouraging people to “stand up for silly things before serious things get worse.”
Security Response
Parliamentary security confirmed they were alerted to the presence of a man “distributing foreign chocolate objects with possible ideological intent.” Officers approached the individual and asked him to leave the premises, citing safety protocols and unauthorised food distribution.
“He was told calmly that cooking devices and non-commercial public giveaways are not permitted on the grounds,” said a spokesperson. “We treat all attempts to influence MPs with food-based objects as potential security concerns.”
Political Reaction
An unnamed MP reportedly accepted a chocolate coin “as a joke,” but returned it moments later after realising cameras were nearby. The Prime Minister’s office declined to comment.
Opposition members have called the stunt “concerning,” with one spokesperson warning that “satirical bribery erodes public trust and makes light of serious political issues.”
The Man Behind the Cape
Little is known about the man calling himself Captain Kiwi. He is believed to be a performance artist and part-time magician, previously spotted doing card tricks and poi demonstrations at public festivals. His website, nzpartyparty.co.nz, describes him as a “joy-based political actor.”
When reached for comment via email, Captain Kiwi responded:
“If lobbyists can wine and dine politicians behind closed doors, then surely I can offer them a chocolate coin in broad daylight. The people deserve whimsy.”
He also announced his next move will be constructing a cardboard castle on Parliament grounds to protest housing unaffordability.
Developing Story…
Further information will be provided as it becomes available.