FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

WELLINGTON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - 08/06/2025

CAPTAIN KIWI ACCUSED OF SMUGGLING BALLOON PUPPIES ONTO PLANES
Joy-based threat allegedly destabilises national aviation order.

In what officials are calling “an unregulated inflation event,” local magician and performance activist Captain Kiwi has come under fire after a spontaneous airport magic show resulted in dozens of balloon animals being “smuggled” aboard commercial flights.

The suspect — wearing a blue top hat, red cape, and a BMO side-bag full of extra long balloons — was allegedly seen crafting balloon swords, puppies, and unidentified whimsical structures in the departure lounge, handing them out to delighted children awaiting boarding.

“He just said, ‘Want a puppy?’ and suddenly I was holding one,” said a dazed parent from Gate 12.
“I didn’t know what to do. It had a little sticker tongue.”

Witnesses say children took the balloon creatures onto flights bound for Wellington, Christchurch, and Queenstown. Some parents, confused about aviation policy, asked if balloons were permitted on board.

“I told them to smuggle it through,” Captain Kiwi later admitted,
“with a wink. The kids laughed. The parents laughed.
I didn’t know it would be classified as an airborne subversion.”

 🛫 AIRPORT SECURITY RESPONDS

Within hours, a full-scale internal review was launched.

“We take inflatable threats seriously,” said an anonymous airport official.
“These were unscreened, unlicensed, non-biometric balloon entities.
In theory, one could pop mid-flight and startle a pilot.”

Air New Zealand also released a formal statement:

“While we appreciate joy, any unregistered passenger — inflatable or otherwise — is subject to standard aviation protocol.”

When asked whether balloon animals would be banned, the airline replied:

“We are reviewing our toy-based threat matrix.”

📸 WITNESS ACCOUNTS

“My daughter cried when the puppy ears deflated during takeoff,” said a parent from Flight NZ433.
“It was tragic. But magical.”

“He made me a unicorn and I named it ‘Susan,’” said a child passenger.
“Susan was brave. She made it all the way to baggage claim.”

Some parents have demanded answers, while others have praised Captain Kiwi’s bold intervention in terminal boredom.

“Honestly, it was the first time my kid smiled all trip,” said one mum.
“Detain him? I say give him a residency at Gate 17.”

🧙‍♂️ CAPTAIN KIWI’S RESPONSE

“I just wanted to stop the despair spiral that is international air travel,” said the wizard.
“Balloon puppies are non-lethal, non-partisan, and usually biodegradable.”
“If that’s a threat to national security — maybe your security needs more imagination.”

The NZ Party Party has since announced a Balloon Rights Charter and called for legislation protecting Inflatable Companions in Transit (ICITs).


✈️ FUTURE POLICY REFORM:

The Party is now proposing an addition to their flagship Public Wizardry & Free Sausage Act, which would include:

🧭 FINAL WORD:

“We’ve smuggled worse things onto planes,” Captain Kiwi said while inflating a giraffe at curbside pickup.
“This time, it was just joy.”

Contact: press@nzpartyparty.org
Website: www.nzpartyparty.org
Policy Document: Balloon Rights Charter (coming soon)